The Mother's Manual

Before you bring the baby home from the hospital you need a car seat. The hospital workers actually wheel the mother, and baby, out to the car just to make sure the infant has a safe and secure way to get home. Of course the mother's not allowed to hold the infant while she's being wheeled out, that's a liability. But what I don't understand is why there is no manual for the mother. Do "they" really believe all women are endowed with some innate ability to care for infants? Notice the they is in quotation marks, I mean, who really knows who "they" are?? I think it's just some schmuck, in a suit, in some office at the legislature that really needs to add his name to some bill, justifying his existence.

Things That Should Be In The Mother's Manual:

DO NOT talk to teenagers in the morning. They don't like it and you won't like how they respond.

DO NOT expect to have a "nice" Christmas tree while animals live in the house (real animals, not teenagers, although sometimes there are no distinctions).

Family dinner time is a must. Turn off the tv and don't answer the phone.

Kids that help in the kitchen are more likely to eat what they help make. It's a hassle, but worth it.

Be a PARENT, not a FRIEND.

Say NO, and mean it.

Raise your expectations.

When they are infants, they cry, a LOT!

Make them do chores, which gives mom time to sit on the couch and read.

When they are toddlers, if you take them to the park, it tires them out for NAPTIME!

DO NOT talk to teenagers in the morning (repeated, but worth being said).

Expect laundry, lots of it.

Practice the "uh-huh" look in the mirror, so when they are endlessly babbling on about something or the other, it looks like you're paying attention.

Make them write thank you notes.

Let them try to fit in. If it takes some ugly pair of skinny jeans, well, let them wear it. Then take lots of pictures so in 20 years they can wonder what the h*** they were thinking (this really works)

Having said that last thing...they don't need everything their friends have.

For punishment, find out their hot buttons. For most teens it's the phone and the computer. Don't be afraid to take them away. You pay the bills, you set the rules!

And finally....

DO NOT talk to teenagers in the morning!